The Day I Realized My Son Had ADHD

 

BigMan started out at a charter school that boasted really high academic scores. That was their claim to fame. They had smart kids and it was a rigorous curriculum. I have known from the start that BigMan is highly intelligent. I thought he would fit in like a glove at this school and it would be a breeze.

Boy, was I wrong!

He did alright through kindergarten as long as the teacher allowed him to do his work standing. She was kind and loved BigMan and assured us he is very smart. But as the year went on he started to struggle. “It’s kindergarten!” “He’ll mature.” “It’ll get better next year.”

When first grade began, he started to come home with behavior slips that said things like, “Being Disruptive in Class!” “Didn’t Do His Work!” Wouldn’t Sit Still!” He would come home crying feeling like he was a bad kid. He began to hate going to school. I started to hate it too.

I talked to him about how he could avoid those slips. I also sat with him every day after school trying to help him read. This was not easy. He would look away and start talking to me about something completely random. He’d guess at words without ever looking at the page. He’d be up and down. I’d tell him to run laps around our kitchen to try to get his wiggles out. When we attempted to do even a few math problems from his math homework it took an hour and usually ended with us both in tears. Sometimes, I would give up and write a note back to his teacher saying, “It’s not going to happen. We tried.”

Maybe a smarter parent would have caught on by now. But not me. Looking back, the flags seem obvious. It breaks my heart to see how hard he was trying, how hard I was trying and how frustrated we both were.

That Summer, I expressed concern over his struggles to his doctor. She had me and his dad fill out a Vanderbilt Assessment. It showed he had ADHD. Coming out of the appointment, I still had my doubts. I had so many misconceptions about what ADHD is that I didn’t really buy into it.

I knew he wasn’t great at reading and I knew he was busy, but isn’t every 6-year-old boy?

We ended up moving into the neighborhood we had always wanted to be in. Mid-century homes, phenomenal school district, friendly neighbors and a small-town feel. That meant a switch from the charter to the neighborhood public school. My kid couldn’t be the most disruptive kid in the public school system! I told myself, “He would be fine.”

I met with his second-grade teacher at the new school a week before school started just to get a jump start on our communication. I explained the kind of year he had at his previous school. I told her that he has an official “ADHD diagnosis” but didn’t every kid have that these days? She explained that they get the kids moving a lot during the day and she understands that kids, and especially boys need to get lots of wiggles out. I hoped that this new and more understanding classroom environment would be the key. I was hopeful that this would be the last I ever had to think about this ADHD “mis”diagnosis.

A week after school started, his teacher emailed me, asking me if we could meet. My heart instantly sunk. My gut told me the new school year already wasn’t going well.

In the meeting, she told me how sweet BigMan is. She told me some positive things. She also showed me lagging test scores and told me about her concerns, primarily about reading. None of this information was new to me.

But then she said something that changed everying: “At one point he took off his shirt and was taking the pencil sharpener apart when the rest of the class was paying attention to the board.”

It was at that moment that I understood. That was the moment I realized that my son truly had ADHD and that he needed help. He wasn’t just busy, he had something more going on. I felt so helpless and so conflicted but I also knew that if I was going to help my son, I would have to accept his diagnosis. Whether I wanted to or not, whether I even believed in it or not would all have to be decided later. My son needed me and needed me now. The cumulation of the last 3 years of school and the last 6 years of his life came flooding out in an uncontrollable, blubbering mess in front of this sweet, kind teacher. A woman I barely knew. She was so understanding. I’ll forever be grateful to her for bringing me tissues and knowing that this was hard for me to hear.

BigMan needed me to wipe my tears (and my runny nose) and to advocate for him as a student with ADHD. Not as a parent who was in denial.

In the coming days, my husband and I had to make some seriously hard decisions for him. It was agonizing at the time but we did our best and got through it.

I look back now and see that moment of understanding as the catalyst that propelled our family into the world of ADHD. It was that moment that I stopped fighting it and surrendered to a different life than I ever thought I would have.

Where are you in your journey? Are you on the brink of recognizing that your child’s struggles will not go away? Have you known about a diagnosis for awhile and just now coming to terms with it? Are you agonizing over decisions you’re having to make for your child? Are you in denial? 

No matter where you’re at, we’re in this together.

Tell me about your moment.